Mortality vs immortal love

[Jamie Magic]

Oh! My!
Hold me against your heart
Cause loneliness never die.
See the deep inside
In your mind’s eye.
Feelings can’t even lie.
To you,
Ever feel the same as I.
But who am I?
A butterfly
Stay for a short while.
To change my life
Need an amazing fly.
Though I may cry
At darkest night.
Be patient to wait tissues dry.
Again will I try
To lead a meaningful life.
As one brave knight
Saves his wife
From the bad guy.
Determined no fears
Change my mind.
Truly believe victory
Eventually on my side.
Such a highlight
When stars shining in the sky.
Good luck,my friend.
it＇s time
to say double bye.

[ZY]

Hi Jamie,

Welcome.

A few brief comments:

1. There are still some gramatical errors.
(for example:
"To you,
Ever feel the same as I. " does not make a correct sentence.
Nor are:
"Determined no fears
Change my mind. "
"Such a highlight
When stars shining in the sky. "

2. When you use one single rhyme consecutively for most of the poem, it becomes rather monotonous. Some variation is required to achieve a better sounding poem. I would suggest to not worry about rhyming at all, and let the poem flow more freely.

3. This might be harsh on my part, but most of the sentiments in this poem are rather conventional or over-used. Some effort is needed in delivering a deeper sense of love or friendship (the theme of this poem), and to estabilsh a more distinguished voice of this poet: "Jamie Magic"

Sorry for being very straightforward and critical. Please do not be offended as this is only one man's opinion.
It is not easy for us Taiwanese/Chinese to achieve a level of control over English to write poetry. I commend you on the effort.

ZY

[喬叟]

Dear Jamie:

I concur with ZY. Yours is a good first try. It is difficult for me to tell writers of a foreign language that one needs to build a solid foundation in basic skills such as spelling, punctuation and grammar before attempting poetry. After all, we all have to start from somewhere. Some of your errors are elementary, errors that should have been caught by careful proofreading. Examples such as misspelling and subject-verb mismatch are the most glaring (loneliness never dies) and yet are the easiest to correct. More complex problems such as incomplete sentences and faulty structures will take more time. It will take a great deal of patience and persistence on your part to achieve proficiency, but that day will come. I am certain of it! I am hoping that, one day, I will be able to read your writings without being able to tell, at an instant, that it comes from the hands of a Chinese writer.