night woman

[紫陌]

night woman

she's thirty years old.
has a lot think in her soul.
she's playing words in the computer.
she sings an no name's song.
forget what day there were,
some people say she was a strange girl.
she tried to never mind.
sometimes,she want to like the flowers flow.

in night,woman like to come back girl.
also it's so difficult.
there's so many thoughts,
got a secret garden in her hand.
like the purple dancer girl.

[沐魚]

就這樣
走入夜盲

唯一漾著花語的真空迴廊
擬止了童年的光

穿越不斷衝出的不斷變異的唇形
聚焦處　以原本的紫霓起身

若干年後
仍輕輕哼唱這首歌


～偶感～

[葉優]

night woman

she's thirty years old.

has a lot think in her soul.
→正確文法來說，動詞不能擺句首；除非是祈使句。
不過若是以歌詞的表現來說，勉強可以，但還是以having為主。

she's playing words in the computer.
→個人覺得用in很奇怪，雖然文字是存在電腦裡。
用from或by會不會好些?

she sings an no name's song.
→no是子音為字首，前面形容詞(單位詞)應是用a
另外有位詩友覺得改為「to sing an undefined song」會比較好

forget what day there were,
→前一句sing用單數加s，這句的forget同理也要以單數加s，因為主詞為同一人，兼是指單數的她。
另外，請問what day there were?是指忘記從前的日子還是?what day it was?完全看不懂...


some people say she was a strange girl.
→若是用say的話，老師通常會要求前後動詞一樣；但我想若是現在的人說以前的她怎樣怎樣，那當然沒問題。

she tried to never mind.
→她試著從不介意?勉強可以，但英文不是中文，通常美國人不會這樣說；tried not to mind即可。

sometimes,she want to like the flowers flow.
→sometimes為adv(副詞)，後面不用加逗號。
want要單數加s或過去式加ed，like如是用來當"像"的話前面要加be，做為prep的用法；另外，it should be better if u had used flowing instead of flow。

in night,woman like to come back girl.
→at night...
woman前面要加定冠詞the或that或this
同樣的，like動詞單數千萬別忘記加s
come back用go back會比較好
再來，back在這裡是adv用法，不能直接放在n(girl)前面，所以back後面最好加上to be a(girl是單數，前面要加a)

also it's so difficult.
→這句有些唐突，不知道是不是指前一句?因為那個also有些怪...

there's so many thoughts,
→thoughts是複數，所以前面請勿用縮寫，還是乖乖用there are吧!

got a secret garden in her hand.
→前後句會不會有點難相接?

like the purple dancer girl.
→跳舞的女孩英文是dancing girl...dancer是名詞...



幾個小意見，包括字母大小寫...
時態上請一致。
有時候連著的上下兩句就出現現在式和過去式，會有些讓人搞不懂妳想表達的是現在還是過去...也自然不易了解妳所要敘述的故事。

失禮之處先道聲歉。
只是單純個人從北一養成下來的習慣，加上家族裡有英文老師，自己本身又現居北美，所以對英文有點小picky。

以上一些意見，祝好。